it's too hot outside to masturbate.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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