My friends, they love my intelligence
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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