one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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