Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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