no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
