If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
