Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
