I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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