i dedicated my morning wood to you.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
