Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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