So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
