Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
