today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
