Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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