You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
