You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
