i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Randomize
