I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
