does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
