did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
