I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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