Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
