When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
