The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
