My Higher Power is John Stamos
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
