dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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