i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
