I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
