I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
The ass gains better be worth it
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