I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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