You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
