my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
