i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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