you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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