Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
