i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
