If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
