i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
