I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
