Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
