I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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