Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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