did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
