Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
