He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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