A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
