I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Randomize
