what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
