I want to make a zoo with you.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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