Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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