my phone needs a breathalizer
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
