My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
