ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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